Liveblogging – LOST Premiere
8:00 – WOOHOO! A recap following the one-hour recap I just watched…
8:02 – I’m on a plane! (feat. T-Pain and Jack Shephard)
8:05 – Desmond is my constant.
8:06 - The Island is underwater…and you would think they could afford better CGI…
8:07 – Commercial break. Gonna run and grab some muh-fuhn cake!
8:08 – I wanna bang this chick in the cold sore commercial…
8:09 – Steve Martin can’t dance.
8:09 – Jack set us up the bomb.
8:10- Aaaaaaand Kate’s in a tree.
8:12 – AAHHHH!!!! VIET-CONG! Oh, nope, just Miles.
8:13 – Another Jack. Aaaaaaaaand, now it feels like Lost.
8:13 – Boot to the head! THWAP!!!
8:14 – Alternate divergent timelines, I guess. CRISIS ON INFINITE ISLANDS!!!
8:16 – LOST fact : Hurley likes chicken…
8:18 – OMFG! Juliet is the little boy in the well!!!
8:19 – Sayid understands the worth of a good dying soliloquy.
8:19 – Jacob shows up. Time for a commercial break.
8:22 – YES! The return of asshole businessman Jin! GO MYSOGYNY!
8:24 – Locke = AWESOME liar.
8:25 – And there’s Locke who isn’t Locke with stab-happy Ben!
8:27 – Man, that trailer for Cop Out does not inspire confidence.
8:31 – I hope she’s all smushed and they turn her into Lost’s own Captain Pike. *beep* *beepbeep*
8:32 – Pensive Jacob is Pensive.
8:33 – OH FUCK! JACOB IS A GHOST! Jacob…Marley? LOST IS THE CHRISTMAS CAROL!!!
8:36 – Oh, Charlie and his heroin…
8:37 – FUCK COMMERCIALS! I WANT TO BE CONFUSED!!!!
8:40 – So did they just watch the OD scene from Pulp Fiction and go…YEAH LETS DO THAT!
8:41 – HE’S ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!
8:42 – Well, she’s good and smushed.
8:45 – Evil Locke is evil…also he hides like he’s motherfucking Batman.
8:46 – Ooooh! Big scary monster.
8:48 – OH SNAP! THE MONSTER IS IN LOCKE! *brainsplode*
8:53 – Spoiler, Juliet becomes Professor X.
8:54 – “I have something important to tell you…the key to the island…is in the castle arrrgggghhhhhhhhh….”
8:55 – Sawyer : This is my serious face.
8:55 – Quick note, I want to bang hot Australian stewardess.
8:56 – And for the first time in LOST history, a plane lands successfully.
8:59 – I wonder how much more story they could fit in if they’d cut out all this slowmo…
9:00 – Part One down, more mindfucks to follow…
9:04 – And we’re back…
9:05 – *crosses fingers* Guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns.
9:06 – Missing Coffin. It’s like the Hangover, except with Jack’s dead daddy.
9:07 – Legends of the Hidden Temple anybody?
9:08 – Just saw how many hits I’ve gotten for this liveblog, I’m gonna have to do this every week! BWAHHAHAHA!
9:10 – Wicked awesome uniforms, bro.
9:12 – My cat just left the room, she’s had it with this shit.
9:14 – Hello Monica Baccarin, I want to lick your face.
9:16 – Evangeline Lilly is seriously enabling my handcuff fetish…
9:17 – Oh, I see what you did there…
9:18 – Sawyer needs a grief counselor. Badly.
9:20 – HOT STEWARDESS! Awesome.
9:22 – Okay…so, confused again.
9:22 – A giant wooden fortune cookie?
9:23 – ROLE CALL!!!
9:26 – Miss Piggy has jungle fever.
9:30 – Ha ha! Silly foreigners…
9:31 – Blood sacrifice KALI MA! KALI MA!
9:32 – Let’s play Baptize the Iraqi!
9:33 – Wicked kung-fu, bro.
9:35 – If they do bring Sayid back at this point, that mofo is basically Rasputin.
9:38 – I would do naughty, naughty things to Courtney Cox. And I would make David Arquette watch every minute. *evil laugh*
9:40 – One Sayid is dead, but the other is still on the prowl for some ‘tang!
9:41 – Kate totally stole that move from Casino Royale.
9:43 – Rocks. Sawyer’s kryptonite.
9:44 – Hurley has awesome deductive powers.
9:45 – To be fair, I’d be afraid of evil smoke-monster Locke too.
9:48 – The villain is monologuing. *dum dum dum*
9:50 – Man, I am so tired of seeing Luke Wilson during my commercial breaks.
9:53 – Locke needs to stop being so goddamn philosophical. That shit’ll get you killed…OH WAIT!
9:57 – Richard just got knocked the fuck out!
9:58 – RASPUTIN LIVES! *headsplode!*
Okay, so the premiere is finished. We’re off to a good start. They have so many options as to where they can go with what they’ve set themselves up with.
And Now, Another Stupid Moment in Comics…
A true fan would have had Bones taking out Wolverine. For real.
