Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Liveblogging – LOST Premiere

8:00 – WOOHOO! A recap following the one-hour recap I just watched…

8:02 – I’m on a plane!  (feat. T-Pain and Jack Shephard)

8:05 – Desmond is my constant.

8:06 –  The Island is underwater…and you would think they could afford better CGI…

8:07 – Commercial break. Gonna run and grab some muh-fuhn cake!

8:08 – I wanna bang this chick in the cold sore commercial…

8:09 – Steve Martin can’t dance.

8:09 – Jack set us up the bomb.

8:10- Aaaaaaand Kate’s in a tree.

8:12 – AAHHHH!!!! VIET-CONG! Oh, nope, just Miles.

8:13 – Another Jack. Aaaaaaaaand, now it feels like Lost.

8:13 – Boot to the head! THWAP!!!

8:14 – Alternate divergent timelines, I guess. CRISIS ON INFINITE ISLANDS!!!

8:16 – LOST fact : Hurley likes chicken…

8:18 – OMFG! Juliet is the little boy in the well!!!

8:19 – Sayid understands the worth of a good dying soliloquy.

8:19 – Jacob shows up. Time for a commercial break.

8:22 – YES! The return of asshole businessman Jin! GO MYSOGYNY!

8:24 – Locke = AWESOME liar.

8:25 – And there’s Locke who isn’t Locke with stab-happy Ben!

8:27 – Man, that trailer for Cop Out does not inspire confidence.

8:31 – I hope she’s all smushed and they turn her into Lost’s own Captain Pike. *beep* *beepbeep*

8:32 – Pensive Jacob is Pensive.


8:36 – Oh, Charlie and his heroin…


8:40 – So did they just watch the OD scene from Pulp Fiction and go…YEAH LETS DO THAT!

8:41 – HE’S ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!

8:42 – Well, she’s good and smushed.

8:45 – Evil Locke is evil…also he hides like he’s motherfucking Batman.

8:46 – Ooooh! Big scary monster.

8:48 – OH SNAP! THE MONSTER IS IN LOCKE! *brainsplode*

8:53 – Spoiler, Juliet becomes Professor X.

8:54 – “I have something important to tell you…the key to the island…is in  the castle arrrgggghhhhhhhhh….”

8:55 – Sawyer : This is my serious face.

8:55 – Quick note, I want to bang hot Australian stewardess.

8:56 – And for the first time in LOST history, a plane lands successfully.

8:59 – I wonder how much more story they could fit in if they’d cut out all this slowmo…

9:00 – Part One down, more mindfucks to follow…

9:04 – And we’re back…

9:05 – *crosses fingers* Guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns.

9:06  – Missing Coffin. It’s like the Hangover, except with Jack’s dead daddy.

9:07 – Legends of the Hidden Temple anybody?

9:08 – Just saw how many hits I’ve gotten for this liveblog, I’m gonna have to do this every week! BWAHHAHAHA!

9:10 – Wicked awesome uniforms, bro.

9:12 – My cat just left the room, she’s had it with this shit.

9:14 – Hello Monica Baccarin, I want to lick your face.

9:16 – Evangeline Lilly is seriously enabling my handcuff fetish…

9:17 – Oh, I see what you did there…

9:18 – Sawyer needs a grief counselor. Badly.

9:20 – HOT STEWARDESS! Awesome.

9:22 – Okay…so, confused again.

9:22 – A giant wooden fortune cookie?

9:23 – ROLE CALL!!!

9:26 – Miss Piggy has jungle fever.

9:30 – Ha ha! Silly foreigners…

9:31 – Blood sacrifice KALI MA! KALI MA!

9:32 – Let’s play Baptize the Iraqi!

9:33 – Wicked kung-fu, bro.

9:35 – If they do bring Sayid back at this point, that mofo is basically Rasputin.

9:38 – I would do naughty, naughty things to Courtney Cox. And I would make David Arquette watch every minute. *evil laugh*

9:40 – One Sayid is dead, but the other is still on the prowl for some ‘tang!

9:41 – Kate totally stole that move from Casino Royale.

9:43 – Rocks. Sawyer’s kryptonite.

9:44 – Hurley has awesome deductive powers.

9:45 – To be fair, I’d be afraid of evil smoke-monster Locke too.

9:48 – The villain is monologuing. *dum dum dum*

9:50 – Man, I am so tired of seeing Luke Wilson during my commercial breaks.

9:53 – Locke needs to stop being so goddamn philosophical. That shit’ll get you killed…OH WAIT!

9:57 – Richard just got knocked the fuck out!

9:58 – RASPUTIN LIVES! *headsplode!*

Okay, so the premiere is finished. We’re off to a good start. They have so many options as to where they can go with what they’ve set themselves up with.


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