Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Archive for May, 2010

New Scott Pilgrim Trailer

So, I woke up this morning to find this new Scott Pilgrim trailer, and suffice it to say, I simply fucking squee’d. This new footage certainly helps to assuage my fears that Michael Cera can’t realistically pull off Scott’s demeanor, as that scene where he orders the package is just spot on. This may be my favorite movie of the year and it’s not even out yet. Dear god, this just looks aces.

Funny Gif Friday

I have nothing to contribute today, so here’s a funny GIF of Wolverine slashing at a fire escape from that shitty ass movie he was in last year…

Weekly Comic Reviews

I Do Not Actually Look Like Jesse Custer

It was a hectic week at the shop. UPS lost one of the shipment boxes, and it happened to be the one that contained the packing list in it. Not gonna lie, UPS is about as competent as a brain-damaged snail when it comes to the handling and delivery of packages. When that’s your entire purpose for existing and your that bad at it, perhaps you don’t deserve to be in business. Just saying. Actually, I’m not really saying anything as much as I’m venting. There’s a subtle difference and most of it has to do with the tone of voice I hear inside my head while I type this, which is probably not conveyed very well as text over the internet.

ARRIVALS 5-26-2010
CHOKER #3 (OF 6) (MR) 3.99
DAZZLER #1 3.99
POWER GIRL #12 2.99
PREVIEWS #261 JUNE 2010 (NET) 2.7
X-FORCE #27 XSC 2.99

And because I have access to the internet, now come my opinions:


I freaking love Dazzler. If ever there was a character who deserved more respect, it’d be her. She pre-dates Jubilee and has enough of a sob-story background to appeal to the angst-happy comic reader of the modern generation. It would be a dream come true for me to write a team book led by Dazzler and Boom-Boom that goes off and fixes all the problems that the A-Listers can’t because they’re too busy dealing with a crossover or something.

The issue picks up on the threads left in the Necrosha crossover following Dazzler’s run-in with her sister, a mutant who can kill with a single touch. She and Rogue should have a pow-wow. Anywho, Dazzler’s feeling all misdirected and shaken up after the events of Necrosha and then has to deal with Arcade kidnapping her and dropping her into Murderworld, which honestly needs a new name as I’m not sure anyone has ever been killed in Murderworld. It sounds all ominous and scary but Arcade is probably the least successful X-Villain with the best ideas for marketing.

Here’s the sad thing about this issue; it’s really good. But not a whole lot of people are going to pick it up because Dazzler has essentially been reduced to a one-note joke and nobody realizes the potential there is for good stories with her in the lead. I’d rather read a story with Dazzler than Cyclops, honestly. But then again, that’s just me I guess.


I love proto-futuristic, psuedo-apocalyptic stories. The environment presented in those types of books usually do it for me. They just suck me in and I don’t want to leave. Earp has the added bonus of transplanting famous historical gunslingers from the past of the American west and dropping them into the future. Is there any reason why they couldn’t have told this same story with new and original characters? From what is presented in the pages of this zero issue, the answer is pretty much a solid no. There’s not any real impedus given for the characters relation to historical figures, it just works with the story they’re trying to tell.

Radical publishing is hit and miss with me. I love Last Days of American Crime but I never quite got on board for FVZD or Hercules. This book seems to fall within my sensibilities. I think that’s why I added it to my pull sheet when I saw the ad for it in Previews. It takes a lot to get me to jump onboard a series nowadays, so it’s high praise when I say that something will keep me around for the next issue, which is the case here with Earp.


This issue was darn near perfect. It was a great send off issue for the creative team that has kept me onboard for the last year and made me punch a wall when I heard they were leaving. This issue we get all the major players from the series coming back and tying up the loose ends so that anybody who doesn’t want to stick around can feel like they had closure. I’m still not sure if I’ll be sticking with the book when Winick comes on. I feel like I have to because I don’t want DC to think that the demand for Power Girl isn’t there.

But seriously, if you can find the issues still on shelves, pick them up. Or barring that, be sure to pick up the trades. Because this run was seriously some of the best anything that DC put out in the last year. For sure.


Ed Brubaker. That guy is something. I feel like if GI Joe had never left the Marvel umbrella all those years ago, this would resemble his take on that particular property. Brubaker knows how to utilize characters to their fullest extent, and here he meticulously points out how every member of the new covert ops Avengers team fits into the mold and makes sense in their appearance in the book.

I also get the feeling that he’s gearing up to write something that has the same scope and over-arching intricacy of his Captain America or Iron Fist runs. It’s easy to see that he’s hitting the ground running a little faster than Bendis is over in the flagship title, where by the end of the first issue we’ve already seen the team operating on multiple levels and we have an idea of what kind of foe they’ll be up against.

I won’t argue which of the two writers is better, as they’re working in two entirely different arenas, that having been said I do believe that Secret Avengers sucked me in a little better than Bendis’ mainline book, simply because of who they have on the team and the manner in which they were utilized. With Nova’s book off the market, this seems to be where I’m going to get my fix and I like the way Brubaker handled him in the overall context of the group.

This is going to be a series to keep your eyes on.


I almost didn’t pick this up. I’m not going to lie. I’ve mostly ignored the other installments in this little expirement, but I like Emma Frost as a character. I think that she has the most potential for interesting stories out of any of the high tier X-people on the roster right now, with the possible exception of Rogue, who has been proving her value in X-Men Legacy for the last few years.

Having read the issue, I would like to say that with all the books that came out this week, only two inspired real gutteral emotional responses from me. One was War of the Supermen, where (***SPOILER***)Krypto took a kryptonite knife to the spleen to protect his master (***END SPOILER***) and the other was this issue, where Emma’s struggle to deal with her father twisted my stomach into a pretzel. I think that we all have a sort of undying need to please our parents, but the extremes presented here with Emma’s dad exemplify the sort of worst-case-scenario that every child fears. Emma’s father is presented as the physical embodiment of the no-win scenario, and the manner in which she deals with his abuse, and let’s face it, whether his intentions were pure or otherwise, such treatment of any child is abuse, forms Emma into the character she is today.

Most of the best X-Men stories revolve around family. The X-teams are essentially the family that most of the members never had. This issue ties into that by showing how important family is to the development of certain characters. Emma has a family in the beginning that offers no solace and she drifts from the Hellfire Club to the X-Men later in life, all in the search of the acceptance her father never gave her. Such a story could have come off as overwrought or melodramatic, but this particular issue handles the situation well and seems organic to what we know about Emma overall, which is the true test of validity for a story like this.


I’m done for now. Have to get some rest before the weekend, as it looks like it’ll be a long and tiring road ahead of me. Cheers.

Your Monday M.O.D.O.K. Moment

This is someone's fetish...
From Marvel Superhero Squad

Every Monday, we will bring you a panel, snapshot, or drawing
of the greatest Marvel character of all time
in an attempt to generate awareness of his glory.
This will end only when we run out of
glorious MODOK Material.

Which will be never.

LOST Series Finale : The Comics Con Queso Liveblogging Spectacular aka This Was Popular Once So Let’s See If We Can Strike Gold In The Same Place Twice

8:14 – Finally got the internet up and running. My first comment is that I’m surprised that after years of drug use the tranq dart had any effect on Charlie.

8:15 – VINCENT! The return of my favorite character. Cute widdle doggie.

8:16- Bernard and Rose are gon’ get it hard.


8:19 – Commercial for NBA Finals does nothing to change my opinion on how boring basketball is on a whole.

8:21 – Ben Linus : Devious Motherfucker.

8:22 – Apparently you cannot kill the mayor of Gotham City.

8:23 – Just wanna say that I want Sawyer’s awesome hipster glasses.

8:24 – Juliet really has a hardon for that baby.

8:25 – Man, this shit is a little depressing.

8:26 – Oooooh, the trailer for Mindfuck, er, ah, “Inception.”

8:29 – “Then it ends…” Wow, a little on the nose there.

8:30 – Nice LOTR crane shot, bro.

8:33 – Jeff Fahey survives. As always.

8:34 – Pilot Matt Damon from 30 Rock could have prevented the flight from crashing in the first place.

8:35 – Jack Shephard : Captain Obvious

8:36 – So far this epsiode is like a really slow handjob. You know that there will be some kind of payoff if the bitch would just move a little faster.

8:38 – I wonder if I can work sex jokes into the rest of my commentary, at the same time keeping it organic to the topic at hand. Probably not. Rusty trombone.

8:40 – Desmond is a weapon. Like my hard-ons. Yeah, I don’t think the sex jokes are working.

8:41 – “I believe in you, dude.” – Hurley. Okay, first of all Matthew Fox isn’t Santa Claus and you can’t sound serious when you add “dude” to anything.

8:44 – That cave looks like a bitchin’ fun waterslide.

8:47 – There are rules dude. Check the player’s handbook or the DM guide.

8:49 – I wonder if this is all going to end with the Anti-Moniter showing up and then everything reseting with Earth 1 or whatever.

8:51 – Was Claire always that pudgy? Her cheeks look like they’re smuggling cupcakes.

8:53 – I have to admit that I appreciate the callbacks to previous episodes via visual cues. I would prefer they stuck with that rather than some of the more heavy handed and obvious dialogue.

8:59 – I was shot by a fat man! <- My models say the same thing…

9:01 – Charlie’s stare induces labor. That’s an awesome superpower.

9:03 – And Desmond hugs the phallic symbol…

9:04 – And the island farts…

9:07 – All these new ABC shows look pretty bad…

9:12 – The miracle of childbirth sans anesthesia.

9:14 – Man, if at least some of these people dont get happy endings I’m going to murder someone. I don’t feel like drowning in the sad tonight. But maybe that’s just me. Also, I had the perfect chance to make a “happy ending” joke and tie it back in to my handjob jibe but I didn’t. You’re welcome.

9:17 – Locke and Jack fighting in the rain on a cliff. Did John Woo come up with this shit?


9:24 – I was kind of hoping that Locke would kill Kate and not the other way around. Apparently God hates me.

9:27 – MEIN GOTT! I CAN VALK![/DrStrangeloveReference]

9:32 – You know, I don’t blame Locke for stabbing Jack. I’ve wanted to stab Matthew Fox for six seasons too.

9:35 – I have a bad feeling about what might happen to Hurley.

9:38 – Honestly, so long as it doesn’t end like the series finale of Angel, I’ll be fine.

9:44 – Sawyer wants Juliet’s candy…

9:50 – This shit is wearing on me. The heat from the laptop is burning my thighs. I’M SUFFERING FOR YOU!!!

9:52 – Can someone please drop a bus on Kate? She’s gotta be the most annoying soul-mate EVER.

9:54 – When Hurley cries I cry…

9:55 – I bet the water does nothing. It’s all a faith thing. And faith gets you killed. Metaphor deciphered. We can leave now.

9:57 – And the island is ruled by the crab people! [/stupidsouthparkjoke]

10:00 – Ze Plane! ZE PLANE!

10:01 – I get the feeling I will end up punching something at the end of all this.

10:04 – Good, Jack needs a f##king bath.

10:06 – Hurley is not pleased.

10:07 – So John Cena just hangs out in mens room stalls handing out razors now? F##k, I thought the WWE paid better than that…

10:11 – Linus is one of the saddest characters in TV history…hands down.

10:16 – I’m not sure where they’re going, but damn this has been a great episode.

10:17 – OH F##K! JACKS ALIVE!!!! <–honestly surprised.

10:18 – I kinda dig the groovy mulitple religious symbol stained glass window there.

10:25 – This reminds me of the end of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang where Robert Downey Jr is all like “let’s just bring back everyone who died” and Abe Lincoln is there and shit.

10:26 – The ending of Lost is everyone hugging. I want to go back to season two and tell everyone that and see their reaction. For real.


What Would You Write?

Me...Most of the time...

Yesterday while working in the shop, a discussion formulated about this blog and my attitudes toward certain writers or characters. The conversation inevitably led to the question, if I were writing for DC or Marvel, what character would I most like to write and who says I could do any better than the people writing that title at this very moment.

The real truth is that while I absolutely adore the characters of DC and Marvel, I don’t have any true aspiration outside of perhaps a childhood fantasy wish fulfillment scenario to write those characters. I don’t think I’m particularly well suited to writing in that particular field. Not because I dislike serialization or don’t think that I have stories that fit the characters, because I do, but moreso because I would rather self-publish a book entirely of my own design in the mold of fellow Houston writer/artist Terry Moore, or have an original creation published through Image or some other publisher.

I am in fact working on the script for such a series, though I don’t know how I plan to publish it. Either through the same company that I used to print my first novel or to shop it around to publishers like Image. I suppose I need to get an artist on board first, as that would be a major part of getting the thing published in the first place.

But back to that original question, if tomorrow I got a call from the people at Marvel or DC and they said they wanted me to pitch them a story for a character of my choosing, who would I choose to write? Everyone here should know how much I absolutely love Batman. I mean, the first film I can remember seeing was the 1989 Batman movie with Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton. I’m currently wearing my “lucky” bat-symbol boxers as I type this. But I don’t think that I would be able to take the reins of Batman either in his main book or even in an ancilliary mini-series due to the fact that there’s too much hovering over my head in terms of expectations, and I fear that immediately following my run some big name writer would erase my work with the stroke of a pen and all my writing would have been for naught. And were I to do a mini-series it would likely be regarded as insignificant and passed over.

The same goes for characters like Captain America or Spider-Man over at Marvel. I’d be so intimidated by the legacy of those characters that putting my name on the book would render me into a quivering neurological mess.

So who would I like to write?

Over at DC, there’s only one choice:

Comics Con Power Girl

That’s right damnit, Power Girl.

Why? Because I love fun characters, and PG is one of the most fun DC has to offer. I feel like she has been written extremely well by some really talented people, especially the current creative team, whom I will be sad to see depart with this week’s issue # 12.  That having been said, there is plenty of room for expansion on the character. I think that there are many writers who are two quick to see what’s been done with her and reduce the book to a one note joke or they don’t know what to do with the character at all.

I would like to take hold of Power Girl and expand on the great work that Jimmy and Justin have done, and bring her to prominence in a way that makes it hard for her to be ingnored in the grander scheme of the DCU. Essentially do for her what Marvel has done for Ms. Marvel lately. Her book may not have been a mega-seller but it did raise her level of recognition and ingrain her into the rest of the shared universe, making her a central character. PG may be a member of the JSA but she’s not popping up in other books simply because she’s such a public figure in the whole of the DC universe.

In the grand scheme of things I suppose most of the characters I would most enjoy to write would be the ones who have been written well in the past but aren’t really very prominent when you look at the progression of the shared universe as a whole. Over at Marvel I’d love to write She-Hulk, Wonder Man, and I’d really like to try my hand at The Runaways even though I know that the internet would condemn my writing before a page ever hit the stands.

Will any of this ever come to fruition? Probably not. I think my teeth gnashing towards Geoff Johns has essentially black-listed me there at DC, and I’ve been fairly vocal about my displeasure with Marvel from time to time. I’ll have to publish my own horse-crap from here until the end of time.

Such is life.

Something You Rarely See…

Happy Happy Joy Joy
Presented without comment.