Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Spring Break Boredom Buster Challenge : Day One – “Bitch Slap”

I’m not going anywhere for Spring Break. At least, not during the week. Next weekend I’ve got some work-related responsibilities up north in Dallas to take care of but between now and then I really don’t plan on leaving the comfort of my immediate area. That being the case, I figured I would catch up on some movies that have been piling up on Netflix. I thought it’d be fun to go through and once a day watch a film that popped up as a “suggestion” from Netflix and review the experience here on the blog to provide the illusion of regular content.

So here we go with day one.

The Flick : Bitch Slap (2009)
The Director: Rick Jacobson (Spartacus: Blood and Sand)
The Players: Julia Voth (Visual Likeness For Jill Valentine in “Resident Evil), Erin Cummings (Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Detroit 187), America Olivo (“Frisbee Girl” in Transformers 2)

Synopsis (via IMDb): When three curvaceous babes, stripper Trixe, business executive Hel, and the feisty ex-con Camero, arrive at a desert hideaway to steal a stash of diamonds from an underworld kingpin, things quickly spiral out of control. Allegiances are switched, truths are revealed, criminals are unmasked and nothing is quite what it seems as the fate of the world is precariously balanced among this trio of sexy femmes fatales.

Review: Ladies and gentlemen I have seen a lot of bad movies. I seek them out from time to time. I assume that is why Netflix assumed that I’d enjoy this. What is presented here is somewhere in between a direct-to-video abortion and a genuine grindhouse exploitation trainwreck. The main problem with the film as an homage to the exploitation genre it so heavily wishes to be, is that it’s far too clean and crisp at its basest level. It doesn’t look like it was made on a budget. When you get to the egregious greenscreen work, you can tell that it was made on a budget because whatever the exact opposite of “seamless” is, that is how I would describe the greenscreen and cgi work in this film. It’s far too middle ground to succeed. The CGI pushes it into shitty SyFy movie territory. The film would have succeeded had they shot the film like “El Mariachi” with whatever money they could have scrounged together from looking under their collective couches. In doing so, we may have gotten something more genuine. Instead, we are left with a spectacle of failure. It fails to truly entertain because everything about the production takes you out of the moment and precludes the audience from enjoying the proceedings even in a “So bad it’s good” sort of way. Nobody in the film can act with any hint of believability, though when your leading trio is made up of actresses who, let’s be honest, were chosen for their chesticular assets rather than their background in theater that is to be expected. When Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless show up, then it just devolves into self-parody.

Save yourself the trouble and go watch a true exploitation flick. I wish I had.

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