Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Posts tagged “Cobie Smulders

Film Review – The Avengers

I know I probably should have gotten this out there on, oh, Friday before everybody went and saw it. I know that. But at the same time, I think this is a film I needed to digest a little bit before I put my thoughts down on it. And by “digest” I mean, see it again. As of this writing I’ve experienced the film in both standard format and 3D. Each of these showings was packed to the brim. The first was on Friday at the first showing of the day at 10 in the morning. The next was a Saturday show at  1 PM. I need to point this out because the biggest surprise about The Avengers is that it even exists in the first place. The amount of planning and preparation that went into developing a crossover of this magnitude is mind boggling. There have been crossover films before this. Godzilla and King Kong fought it out, Freddy and Jason slashed at each other, the list goes on. It’s not that big a deal for cinematic properties to come together. What is unique is the idea of using individual characters and their films as a roadmap to an eventual crossover. In the world of cinema, it’s a miracle that it ever got made. Even more impressive is that Marvel was able to bring the viewing audience around as well. They sold the idea of this being on of the biggest movies ever and the audiences turned up. They invested their time in it. This is a movie that has been on everyone’s minds for close to five years. Ever since the end of Iron Man when Samuel L. Jackson walked in the room and told the world that the Marvel universe was going to be a shared experiment. This film is important.

That having been said, is it any good? I’m happy to say that everything you want out of this movie you will receive. Joss Whedon handles it as well as you would expect and we may finally have the shining definition of what it means to bring a comic book to life on screen. The final act is like watching a collection of “hell yeah” splash pages from a Marvel crossover brought to life. The film does not skirt the fact that comic books are writ large and with joyous bombast. The action sequences are everything that Michael Bay wishes he could accomplish. They are loud, they are big and at the same time they have a sense of direction that is managed and easy to follow. You never get confused watching the carnage and for that we should be thankful.

But what I really want to talk about is the character moments. The time between Norse gods fighting men in iron suits. Joss Whedon gives us a movie where the time spent with these character simply talking to each other are as gripping as the action sequences and set pieces. The interplay between these actors is something that holds the film together in a way that without it, the whole experiment would fail. Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo’s respectful banter is a highlight. Hell, anything Mark Ruffalo does is a highlight. I know folks liked Edward Norton but Ruffalo brings something that has always been missing from the big screen portrayal of Banner in the previous incarnations. He manages to portray Banner as a person who is angry at his own anger and yet somehow accepting of it all at the same time and he may very well be the MVP of the film. Downey does his usual great work with Stark, but here he really sells the trans-formative arcs that propel his character forward, and seeing him bounce of Chris Evans’ Captain America is a joy to watch. I will admit that I feel as if Evans didn’t get much to do until the final act when he really gets to shine as a team leader, but in a movie with this many characters to juggle it is a small conceit. Also, Tom Hiddleston needs some awards. All of them, really. Loki was a great villain in Thor, mainly because of Hiddleston’s ability to play the wounded creature. He was a tormented soul and that made him fun to watch. Here we get to see what happens when the soul is tormented for so long that it snaps. He plays the broken soul just as well and he sells it like nobody’s business.

The film is everything it needs to be and then some. There will be those who complain about the run-time or the way characters are handled but in the end this is a big win for Marvel and a bigger win for people who still enjoy the spectacle of seeing a true summer blockbuster on the big screen. I do not doubt that I’ll see it at least one more time in the theater because this is definitely a film that benefits from a big screen. I might even shell out the cash to see it in IMAX. It’s that good.

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More Possible Megan Fox Replacements AKA I Have Way Too Much Time To Waste On Google Image Search

Pictured : One Dumb Bitch

Could you imagine being one of the most talked about young starlets of 2007 only to become a joke in the eyes of everyone who has tired of using you as spank-bank material? Let’s face it, nobody ever took Megan Fox seriously as an actress. She had a slamming body and was pretty blunt about her sexuality in any interview she gave. She even had that faux-nerd cred going on by strutting around town wearing Star Wars shirts and claiming to like comic books and whatnot. Yeah, tease the fanboys, make them think you’re one of them. That’ll ensure they’ll pay the $20 you’ll charge at conventions for a photo and an autograph.

But now she’s proven she can’t sell a movie based on sex alone (Jennifer’s Body) and Jonah Hex looks like something the general public will reject on principle and the fanboys will ravage for not honoring the source material. Then the dumb bitch couldn’t keep her mouth shut and now Michael Bay has brought down the hammer of KRAWW!!! upon her ass and kicked her off the Transformers set and plans to cast a new female lead.

I mentioned some choices earlier, but let’s see if we can’t make a complete list here. Granted, this list really is just an excuse for me to troll Google image search looking for sexy pictures of women I would like to do the dirty with. But is that so wrong? I’m sure it’ll gimme mega traffic for the next week, and I am not going to lie and say I don’t want that to happen.

ASHLEY GREENE

Greene got me seein' red...

Okay, so, all I know about this girl is that she leaked some nekkie pics onto the interwebs sometime while she was filming Twilight, a series that she might get cast out of in the final installment because she wants more money, which aint gonna happen. If she does get knocked on her keester, maybe she’ll take a reduced pay cut to get a larger audience by replacing Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Let’s face it, Twilight fans won’t follow the stars to other movies, if they did Remember Me would have made some serious bank and The Runaways would have registered on people’s radar. But that didn’t happen, because Twilight fans are only interested in Twilight. I think it has to do with the fact that such people are easily distracted by shiny objects and then they forget where they are.

Yeah, Twilight fans are retarded raccoons.

There.

I said it.

ANNALYNNE McCORD

ANAL-Lynne?

Her name almost has “anal” in it and she’s so hot it almost effing hurts. I mean seriously, this girl oozes the sexy and I usually don’t go for blondes. I’m more into the sultry brunette look that girls like Ms. Greene above bring to the table, but seriously, this girl is one fine piece of eye candy. Also, see the evidence pictured below:

[insert cream filling joke]

I want to be that doughnut right now.

OLIVIA MUNN

I want to have a case of the Munn-days.

She’s racking up cameo bit parts in movies like Iron Man 2 left and right, and so long as the role doesn’t call for insane acting talent on the par of Dame Judy Dench or Meryl Streep, which in a Transformers movie would be about as unlikely as Geoff Johns passing up an opportunity to brutally kill of a c-list hero in a crossover, Ms. Munn would be a more than adequate replacement for Megan Fox. Personally I think Olivia’s hotter than Megan Fox ever was simply due to the fact that she doesn’t look like she secrets enough grease to supply the fryers at Burger King for a day.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Boot-ee

Admittedly, this is a terrible choice. This woman annoys me just about as much as any other pseudo celebrity making the rounds nowadays, but I just felt like posting a picture of that scrumptious backside.

In short, this girl is the reason God gave us the ballgag.

LADY GAGA

I have no joke for Lady Gaga that hasn't already been made...

Not because I think she’d be a good fit, but because I really want to see Optimus Prime sing “Poker Face.” I think I could die happy after that.

COBIE SMULDERS

I'd Smulder her Cobie...

I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, which apparently she’s a central character on. But I saw The Slammin’ Salmon, and she was just plain gorgeous in that film, and honestly of all the girls on the list, she seems like she has the most legitimate acting chops, as she managed to pull off some great dramatic work in that film while at the same time holding her own with the rapid-fire comedy. She was supposed to be Wonder Woman, for crying out loud. Yeah, she’d do fine.

OLIVIA WILDE

The crowd goes Wilde

Here’s a nother girl who actually has some acting talent. She holds her own with Hugh Laurie on House which is not an easy feat. That man is awesomesauce. Wilde will also see her mainstream star on the rise when Tron Legacy hits the web later this year and we all get to oogle her assets in skintight leather: