Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Posts tagged “Jessica Biel

Film Review – Total Recall (2012)

You know how some people with a staggering problem will deny, deny, deny their issues until they get help? I was in that stage when it came to the Total Recall remake. I didn’t think it would be that bad. There’s no way they could screw the pooch in such a colossal way that it wouldn’t be worth the $4.25 matinee on a Saturday morning. There is no way they would spend the budget they did on this thing and have it turn out as anything other than passable. I figured we were in for something tepid and at least competent. Why did I lie to myself in that way?

Total Recall 2012 is absolute garbage. Sit on that thought for a moment, because the original film is not all that great either. It had the virtue of groundbreaking special effects and enough sense to play the material with tongue planted firmly in cheek. I mean, its a film that expects us to roll with the idea of Arnold Schwarzenegger as an everyman. They expect you to take that at face value. That takes balls. Casting Colin Farrell this time around I knew they would be playing things completely straight, but I figured that Len Wiseman would have had the good sense to have fun with it. But Total Recall 2012 is a joyless bore. I hesitate to call any film boring but that is the most apt descriptor I have in my vocabulary. When using it to describe an action film it is pretty much the kiss of death. Aside from some competently staged fight choreography, this film is positively lifeless. The hovering car chase fails to deliver anything new. The shootouts are dry (and I’m not just talking about a lack of blood, which the original had in spades) and the dialog is delivered with all of the conviction of a child reading Shakespeare in an elementary school play. The film is a lifeless corpse of a movie.

This is a film that manages to waste both Bill Night and Bryan Cranston. This is a film that took the cinematography of Blade Runner if it had unprotected sex with I, Robot and peppered it with all the lens flares that JJ Abrams thought would be TOO ANNOYING forĀ Star Trek. This is a film that states openly that the sole remaining governing body in the future is British and then has all the vehicles sporting Dodge and Chrysler logos. This is a film that insults the intelligence of anyone who bothers to watch it. Although I suppose we deserve it for thinking that it would be any better than it is. Those trailers should have warned everyone away. I should have listened to my gut.

Seriously a candidate for one of the most ill conceived if not worst films of 2012. Sit on that thought and see if you want to test your mettle by paying money you earned doing something you probably didn’t enjoy to sit through this dreck.

Score: 2/10

Film Review : The A-Team

This summer movie season has been almost achingly limp thus far. Nothing has really assaulted me with over-the-head displays of greatness. Iron Man 2 came close, but my expectations weren’t blown out of the water the way they were the first time around. With the introduction of The A-Team, I think the summer movie season may have found it’s footing.

You see, the A-Team felt to me like Star Trek did when it first hit theaters. There were traces of what made the original so much fun with a modern edge thrown in that remedied some of the problems with the first go-around. In the case of Star Trek it was budget, while in A-Team it had more to do with bullets actually hitting what they were fired at.

What makes The A-Team work so well is the chemistry. Neeson, Copley, Cooper and Jackson all feel like they’re old friends, so nothing comes off as forced. Which really is a godsend, because if those guys couldn’t pull off the team dynamic, it would have been enough to sink the movie. The obscenely insane action sequences just would not have worked if the four team members didn’t bring their a-game to the roles.

Also, Patrick Wilson gets to play against his nice-guy type here, which is awesome because I think that dude is underrated beyond belief. I was hoping that Watchmen would have elevated his profile a bit but unfortunately that movie didn’t do anybody any favors.

A lot of the critics have been panning this film and I simply don’t get it. It’s like they’re forcing themselves to hate the movie because it doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s like all of a sudden every action movie has to be this hyper-realistic Jason Bourne/Casino Royale attempt at grounding everything to reality. But sometimes I want to see a parachuting tank shooting down predator drones. I don’t care that the laws of physics are being defied openly and with reckless abandon. In some instances, such lunacy is warranted, and here it works.

Just go with it, guys. It’s worth it.

Also, I want to lick Jessica Biel’s legs. Those things are proof of God’s existence.