LOST Series Finale : The Comics Con Queso Liveblogging Spectacular aka This Was Popular Once So Let’s See If We Can Strike Gold In The Same Place Twice
8:14 – Finally got the internet up and running. My first comment is that I’m surprised that after years of drug use the tranq dart had any effect on Charlie.
8:15 – VINCENT! The return of my favorite character. Cute widdle doggie.
8:16- Bernard and Rose are gon’ get it hard.
8:17 – LOCKE WINS AT STARING CONTEST!
8:19 – Commercial for NBA Finals does nothing to change my opinion on how boring basketball is on a whole.
8:21 – Ben Linus : Devious Motherfucker.
8:22 – Apparently you cannot kill the mayor of Gotham City.
8:23 – Just wanna say that I want Sawyer’s awesome hipster glasses.
8:24 – Juliet really has a hardon for that baby.
8:25 – Man, this shit is a little depressing.
8:26 – Oooooh, the trailer for Mindfuck, er, ah, “Inception.”
8:29 – “Then it ends…” Wow, a little on the nose there.
8:30 – Nice LOTR crane shot, bro.
8:33 – Jeff Fahey survives. As always.
8:34 – Pilot Matt Damon from 30 Rock could have prevented the flight from crashing in the first place.
8:35 – Jack Shephard : Captain Obvious
8:36 – So far this epsiode is like a really slow handjob. You know that there will be some kind of payoff if the bitch would just move a little faster.
8:38 – I wonder if I can work sex jokes into the rest of my commentary, at the same time keeping it organic to the topic at hand. Probably not. Rusty trombone.
8:40 – Desmond is a weapon. Like my hard-ons. Yeah, I don’t think the sex jokes are working.
8:41 – “I believe in you, dude.” – Hurley. Okay, first of all Matthew Fox isn’t Santa Claus and you can’t sound serious when you add “dude” to anything.
8:44 – That cave looks like a bitchin’ fun waterslide.
8:47 – There are rules dude. Check the player’s handbook or the DM guide.
8:49 – I wonder if this is all going to end with the Anti-Moniter showing up and then everything reseting with Earth 1 or whatever.
8:51 – Was Claire always that pudgy? Her cheeks look like they’re smuggling cupcakes.
8:53 – I have to admit that I appreciate the callbacks to previous episodes via visual cues. I would prefer they stuck with that rather than some of the more heavy handed and obvious dialogue.
8:59 – I was shot by a fat man! <- My models say the same thing…
9:01 – Charlie’s stare induces labor. That’s an awesome superpower.
9:03 – And Desmond hugs the phallic symbol…
9:04 – And the island farts…
9:07 – All these new ABC shows look pretty bad…
9:12 – The miracle of childbirth sans anesthesia.
9:14 – Man, if at least some of these people dont get happy endings I’m going to murder someone. I don’t feel like drowning in the sad tonight. But maybe that’s just me. Also, I had the perfect chance to make a “happy ending” joke and tie it back in to my handjob jibe but I didn’t. You’re welcome.
9:17 – Locke and Jack fighting in the rain on a cliff. Did John Woo come up with this shit?
9:23 – PRISON SHANKED BITCH!
9:24 – I was kind of hoping that Locke would kill Kate and not the other way around. Apparently God hates me.
9:27 – MEIN GOTT! I CAN VALK![/DrStrangeloveReference]
9:32 – You know, I don’t blame Locke for stabbing Jack. I’ve wanted to stab Matthew Fox for six seasons too.
9:35 – I have a bad feeling about what might happen to Hurley.
9:38 – Honestly, so long as it doesn’t end like the series finale of Angel, I’ll be fine.
9:44 – Sawyer wants Juliet’s candy…
9:50 – This shit is wearing on me. The heat from the laptop is burning my thighs. I’M SUFFERING FOR YOU!!!
9:52 – Can someone please drop a bus on Kate? She’s gotta be the most annoying soul-mate EVER.
9:54 – When Hurley cries I cry…
9:55 – I bet the water does nothing. It’s all a faith thing. And faith gets you killed. Metaphor deciphered. We can leave now.
9:57 – And the island is ruled by the crab people! [/stupidsouthparkjoke]
10:00 – Ze Plane! ZE PLANE!
10:01 – I get the feeling I will end up punching something at the end of all this.
10:04 – Good, Jack needs a f##king bath.
10:06 – Hurley is not pleased.
10:07 – So John Cena just hangs out in mens room stalls handing out razors now? F##k, I thought the WWE paid better than that…
10:11 – Linus is one of the saddest characters in TV history…hands down.
10:16 – I’m not sure where they’re going, but damn this has been a great episode.
10:17 – OH F##K! JACKS ALIVE!!!! <–honestly surprised.
10:18 – I kinda dig the groovy mulitple religious symbol stained glass window there.
10:25 – This reminds me of the end of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang where Robert Downey Jr is all like “let’s just bring back everyone who died” and Abe Lincoln is there and shit.
10:26 – The ending of Lost is everyone hugging. I want to go back to season two and tell everyone that and see their reaction. For real.
10:30 – FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCk!
8:00 – WOOHOO! A recap following the one-hour recap I just watched…
8:02 – I’m on a plane! (feat. T-Pain and Jack Shephard)
8:05 – Desmond is my constant.
8:06 – The Island is underwater…and you would think they could afford better CGI…
8:07 – Commercial break. Gonna run and grab some muh-fuhn cake!
8:08 – I wanna bang this chick in the cold sore commercial…
8:09 – Steve Martin can’t dance.
8:09 – Jack set us up the bomb.
8:10- Aaaaaaand Kate’s in a tree.
8:12 – AAHHHH!!!! VIET-CONG! Oh, nope, just Miles.
8:13 – Another Jack. Aaaaaaaaand, now it feels like Lost.
8:13 – Boot to the head! THWAP!!!
8:14 – Alternate divergent timelines, I guess. CRISIS ON INFINITE ISLANDS!!!
8:16 – LOST fact : Hurley likes chicken…
8:18 – OMFG! Juliet is the little boy in the well!!!
8:19 – Sayid understands the worth of a good dying soliloquy.
8:19 – Jacob shows up. Time for a commercial break.
8:22 – YES! The return of asshole businessman Jin! GO MYSOGYNY!
8:24 – Locke = AWESOME liar.
8:25 – And there’s Locke who isn’t Locke with stab-happy Ben!
8:27 – Man, that trailer for Cop Out does not inspire confidence.
8:31 – I hope she’s all smushed and they turn her into Lost’s own Captain Pike. *beep* *beepbeep*
8:32 – Pensive Jacob is Pensive.
8:33 – OH FUCK! JACOB IS A GHOST! Jacob…Marley? LOST IS THE CHRISTMAS CAROL!!!
8:36 – Oh, Charlie and his heroin…
8:37 – FUCK COMMERCIALS! I WANT TO BE CONFUSED!!!!
8:40 – So did they just watch the OD scene from Pulp Fiction and go…YEAH LETS DO THAT!
8:41 – HE’S ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!
8:42 – Well, she’s good and smushed.
8:45 – Evil Locke is evil…also he hides like he’s motherfucking Batman.
8:46 – Ooooh! Big scary monster.
8:48 – OH SNAP! THE MONSTER IS IN LOCKE! *brainsplode*
8:53 – Spoiler, Juliet becomes Professor X.
8:54 – “I have something important to tell you…the key to the island…is in the castle arrrgggghhhhhhhhh….”
8:55 – Sawyer : This is my serious face.
8:55 – Quick note, I want to bang hot Australian stewardess.
8:56 – And for the first time in LOST history, a plane lands successfully.
8:59 – I wonder how much more story they could fit in if they’d cut out all this slowmo…
9:00 – Part One down, more mindfucks to follow…
9:04 – And we’re back…
9:05 – *crosses fingers* Guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns…guitarcase full of guns.
9:06 – Missing Coffin. It’s like the Hangover, except with Jack’s dead daddy.
9:07 – Legends of the Hidden Temple anybody?
9:08 – Just saw how many hits I’ve gotten for this liveblog, I’m gonna have to do this every week! BWAHHAHAHA!
9:10 – Wicked awesome uniforms, bro.
9:12 – My cat just left the room, she’s had it with this shit.
9:14 – Hello Monica Baccarin, I want to lick your face.
9:16 – Evangeline Lilly is seriously enabling my handcuff fetish…
9:17 – Oh, I see what you did there…
9:18 – Sawyer needs a grief counselor. Badly.
9:20 – HOT STEWARDESS! Awesome.
9:22 – Okay…so, confused again.
9:22 – A giant wooden fortune cookie?
9:23 – ROLE CALL!!!
9:26 – Miss Piggy has jungle fever.
9:30 – Ha ha! Silly foreigners…
9:31 – Blood sacrifice KALI MA! KALI MA!
9:32 – Let’s play Baptize the Iraqi!
9:33 – Wicked kung-fu, bro.
9:35 – If they do bring Sayid back at this point, that mofo is basically Rasputin.
9:38 – I would do naughty, naughty things to Courtney Cox. And I would make David Arquette watch every minute. *evil laugh*
9:40 – One Sayid is dead, but the other is still on the prowl for some ‘tang!
9:41 – Kate totally stole that move from Casino Royale.
9:43 – Rocks. Sawyer’s kryptonite.
9:44 – Hurley has awesome deductive powers.
9:45 – To be fair, I’d be afraid of evil smoke-monster Locke too.
9:48 – The villain is monologuing. *dum dum dum*
9:50 – Man, I am so tired of seeing Luke Wilson during my commercial breaks.
9:53 – Locke needs to stop being so goddamn philosophical. That shit’ll get you killed…OH WAIT!
9:57 – Richard just got knocked the fuck out!
9:58 – RASPUTIN LIVES! *headsplode!*
Okay, so the premiere is finished. We’re off to a good start. They have so many options as to where they can go with what they’ve set themselves up with.