Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Posts tagged “Olivia Wilde

Film Review – Cowboys & Aliens

I like mashup films. I think they’re great fun. One of the best times I had at the movies last years was with The Warrior’s Way or as it is affectionately referred to in most circles “Cowboys vs. Ninjas.” There’s nothing wrong with a little pulpy crossover action to waste some time at the theater. Cowboys & Aliens, directed by Iron Man helmer Jon Favreau, is an admirable effort that has many great components but fails to fit together to form a perfect overall picture. The cast is superb; Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, Clancy Brown, Sam Rockwell, Walton effing Goggins…but a good majority of the material they’re given really doesn’t merit their involvement. The overall product is just too bland for its own good. It’s a summer blockbuster, so some level of pandering to the lowest common denominator is expected, but the truth is that at no point in the course of the film do they aim to do anything really memorable. I’m sure I’ll have forgotten most of the film by this time tomorrow which is why I’m writing the review now, basically thirty minutes after the credits started to roll.

Let me say what does work; Daniel Craig cuts a good figure as the classic “man with no name” archetype here, a testament to his screen presence elevating the material enough that we as an audience want to stick it through until the end. Harrison Ford is more lively and vivid here than he has been in years and it serves to remind us why at one point he was the biggest movie star in the world. Sam Rockwell being Sam Rockwell. He can do no wrong and here is no exception. Favreau must have had a hell of a time working with him on IronMan 2 to bring him back again for a role that’s especially meaty. Olivia Wilde’s eyes. Dear god. I know some people argue that she’s either the hottest woman on earth or a strange looking creature but I can’t get past her eyes. Cue drooling.

What doesn’t work is a little bit harder to nail down. The film has some pacing problems, bordering on dull on a few occasions. The action scenes are not especially fantastic or captivating. It’s really a case of the people in the cast not getting enough to do. I think a majority of the problems can be traced to the fact that the script has over five credited authors and that’s never the sign of a unified front when it comes to the narrative. It’s a hodge-podge at best. A well shot hodge-podge filled with some great talent, but still a hodge-podge.

And now in the hopes of driving some decent web-hits, I will populate the rest of the post with sexy photos of Olivia Wilde, because that seemed to help in previous posts.





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I Really Want To See TRON : LEGACY

Drool...

Can You Guess Why?


More Possible Megan Fox Replacements AKA I Have Way Too Much Time To Waste On Google Image Search

Pictured : One Dumb Bitch

Could you imagine being one of the most talked about young starlets of 2007 only to become a joke in the eyes of everyone who has tired of using you as spank-bank material? Let’s face it, nobody ever took Megan Fox seriously as an actress. She had a slamming body and was pretty blunt about her sexuality in any interview she gave. She even had that faux-nerd cred going on by strutting around town wearing Star Wars shirts and claiming to like comic books and whatnot. Yeah, tease the fanboys, make them think you’re one of them. That’ll ensure they’ll pay the $20 you’ll charge at conventions for a photo and an autograph.

But now she’s proven she can’t sell a movie based on sex alone (Jennifer’s Body) and Jonah Hex looks like something the general public will reject on principle and the fanboys will ravage for not honoring the source material. Then the dumb bitch couldn’t keep her mouth shut and now Michael Bay has brought down the hammer of KRAWW!!! upon her ass and kicked her off the Transformers set and plans to cast a new female lead.

I mentioned some choices earlier, but let’s see if we can’t make a complete list here. Granted, this list really is just an excuse for me to troll Google image search looking for sexy pictures of women I would like to do the dirty with. But is that so wrong? I’m sure it’ll gimme mega traffic for the next week, and I am not going to lie and say I don’t want that to happen.

ASHLEY GREENE

Greene got me seein' red...

Okay, so, all I know about this girl is that she leaked some nekkie pics onto the interwebs sometime while she was filming Twilight, a series that she might get cast out of in the final installment because she wants more money, which aint gonna happen. If she does get knocked on her keester, maybe she’ll take a reduced pay cut to get a larger audience by replacing Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Let’s face it, Twilight fans won’t follow the stars to other movies, if they did Remember Me would have made some serious bank and The Runaways would have registered on people’s radar. But that didn’t happen, because Twilight fans are only interested in Twilight. I think it has to do with the fact that such people are easily distracted by shiny objects and then they forget where they are.

Yeah, Twilight fans are retarded raccoons.

There.

I said it.

ANNALYNNE McCORD

ANAL-Lynne?

Her name almost has “anal” in it and she’s so hot it almost effing hurts. I mean seriously, this girl oozes the sexy and I usually don’t go for blondes. I’m more into the sultry brunette look that girls like Ms. Greene above bring to the table, but seriously, this girl is one fine piece of eye candy. Also, see the evidence pictured below:

[insert cream filling joke]

I want to be that doughnut right now.

OLIVIA MUNN

I want to have a case of the Munn-days.

She’s racking up cameo bit parts in movies like Iron Man 2 left and right, and so long as the role doesn’t call for insane acting talent on the par of Dame Judy Dench or Meryl Streep, which in a Transformers movie would be about as unlikely as Geoff Johns passing up an opportunity to brutally kill of a c-list hero in a crossover, Ms. Munn would be a more than adequate replacement for Megan Fox. Personally I think Olivia’s hotter than Megan Fox ever was simply due to the fact that she doesn’t look like she secrets enough grease to supply the fryers at Burger King for a day.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Boot-ee

Admittedly, this is a terrible choice. This woman annoys me just about as much as any other pseudo celebrity making the rounds nowadays, but I just felt like posting a picture of that scrumptious backside.

In short, this girl is the reason God gave us the ballgag.

LADY GAGA

I have no joke for Lady Gaga that hasn't already been made...

Not because I think she’d be a good fit, but because I really want to see Optimus Prime sing “Poker Face.” I think I could die happy after that.

COBIE SMULDERS

I'd Smulder her Cobie...

I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, which apparently she’s a central character on. But I saw The Slammin’ Salmon, and she was just plain gorgeous in that film, and honestly of all the girls on the list, she seems like she has the most legitimate acting chops, as she managed to pull off some great dramatic work in that film while at the same time holding her own with the rapid-fire comedy. She was supposed to be Wonder Woman, for crying out loud. Yeah, she’d do fine.

OLIVIA WILDE

The crowd goes Wilde

Here’s a nother girl who actually has some acting talent. She holds her own with Hugh Laurie on House which is not an easy feat. That man is awesomesauce. Wilde will also see her mainstream star on the rise when Tron Legacy hits the web later this year and we all get to oogle her assets in skintight leather: