Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

LOST Series Finale : The Comics Con Queso Liveblogging Spectacular aka This Was Popular Once So Let’s See If We Can Strike Gold In The Same Place Twice

8:14 – Finally got the internet up and running. My first comment is that I’m surprised that after years of drug use the tranq dart had any effect on Charlie.

8:15 – VINCENT! The return of my favorite character. Cute widdle doggie.

8:16- Bernard and Rose are gon’ get it hard.

8:17 – LOCKE WINS AT STARING CONTEST!

8:19 – Commercial for NBA Finals does nothing to change my opinion on how boring basketball is on a whole.

8:21 – Ben Linus : Devious Motherfucker.

8:22 – Apparently you cannot kill the mayor of Gotham City.

8:23 – Just wanna say that I want Sawyer’s awesome hipster glasses.

8:24 – Juliet really has a hardon for that baby.

8:25 – Man, this shit is a little depressing.

8:26 – Oooooh, the trailer for Mindfuck, er, ah, “Inception.”

8:29 – “Then it ends…” Wow, a little on the nose there.

8:30 – Nice LOTR crane shot, bro.

8:33 – Jeff Fahey survives. As always.

8:34 – Pilot Matt Damon from 30 Rock could have prevented the flight from crashing in the first place.

8:35 – Jack Shephard : Captain Obvious

8:36 – So far this epsiode is like a really slow handjob. You know that there will be some kind of payoff if the bitch would just move a little faster.

8:38 – I wonder if I can work sex jokes into the rest of my commentary, at the same time keeping it organic to the topic at hand. Probably not. Rusty trombone.

8:40 – Desmond is a weapon. Like my hard-ons. Yeah, I don’t think the sex jokes are working.

8:41 – “I believe in you, dude.” – Hurley. Okay, first of all Matthew Fox isn’t Santa Claus and you can’t sound serious when you add “dude” to anything.

8:44 – That cave looks like a bitchin’ fun waterslide.

8:47 – There are rules dude. Check the player’s handbook or the DM guide.

8:49 – I wonder if this is all going to end with the Anti-Moniter showing up and then everything reseting with Earth 1 or whatever.

8:51 – Was Claire always that pudgy? Her cheeks look like they’re smuggling cupcakes.

8:53 – I have to admit that I appreciate the callbacks to previous episodes via visual cues. I would prefer they stuck with that rather than some of the more heavy handed and obvious dialogue.

8:59 – I was shot by a fat man! <- My models say the same thing…

9:01 – Charlie’s stare induces labor. That’s an awesome superpower.

9:03 – And Desmond hugs the phallic symbol…

9:04 – And the island farts…

9:07 – All these new ABC shows look pretty bad…

9:12 – The miracle of childbirth sans anesthesia.

9:14 – Man, if at least some of these people dont get happy endings I’m going to murder someone. I don’t feel like drowning in the sad tonight. But maybe that’s just me. Also, I had the perfect chance to make a “happy ending” joke and tie it back in to my handjob jibe but I didn’t. You’re welcome.

9:17 – Locke and Jack fighting in the rain on a cliff. Did John Woo come up with this shit?

9:23 – PRISON SHANKED BITCH!

9:24 – I was kind of hoping that Locke would kill Kate and not the other way around. Apparently God hates me.

9:27 – MEIN GOTT! I CAN VALK![/DrStrangeloveReference]

9:32 – You know, I don’t blame Locke for stabbing Jack. I’ve wanted to stab Matthew Fox for six seasons too.

9:35 – I have a bad feeling about what might happen to Hurley.

9:38 – Honestly, so long as it doesn’t end like the series finale of Angel, I’ll be fine.

9:44 – Sawyer wants Juliet’s candy…

9:50 – This shit is wearing on me. The heat from the laptop is burning my thighs. I’M SUFFERING FOR YOU!!!

9:52 – Can someone please drop a bus on Kate? She’s gotta be the most annoying soul-mate EVER.

9:54 – When Hurley cries I cry…

9:55 – I bet the water does nothing. It’s all a faith thing. And faith gets you killed. Metaphor deciphered. We can leave now.

9:57 – And the island is ruled by the crab people! [/stupidsouthparkjoke]

10:00 – Ze Plane! ZE PLANE!

10:01 – I get the feeling I will end up punching something at the end of all this.

10:04 – Good, Jack needs a f##king bath.

10:06 – Hurley is not pleased.

10:07 – So John Cena just hangs out in mens room stalls handing out razors now? F##k, I thought the WWE paid better than that…

10:11 – Linus is one of the saddest characters in TV history…hands down.

10:16 – I’m not sure where they’re going, but damn this has been a great episode.

10:17 – OH F##K! JACKS ALIVE!!!! <–honestly surprised.

10:18 – I kinda dig the groovy mulitple religious symbol stained glass window there.

10:25 – This reminds me of the end of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang where Robert Downey Jr is all like “let’s just bring back everyone who died” and Abe Lincoln is there and shit.

10:26 – The ending of Lost is everyone hugging. I want to go back to season two and tell everyone that and see their reaction. For real.

10:30 – FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCk!

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7 responses

  1. Matt Davila

    Dude, I haven’t even been watching it these past six years, but you totally know what just happened, right?

    May 23, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    • Rev. Jacob Dodd

      They gave us an ending that made The Sopranos look like Battlestar Galactica. That’s what happened.

      May 23, 2010 at 9:36 pm

  2. Matt Davila

    It was all a Christian Allegory. Hence Christian Shephard, it ended in a Church, everything about the light? The Hipsters are gonna be so pissed.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm

  3. Matt Davila

    My mom called it at the end of the last season. Jacob is Jesus, the Black thingy is Satan.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:44 pm

  4. Rev. Jacob Dodd

    It’s not really a Christian allegory, more omni-theological, as evidenced by the multiple religious symbols on the stained glass at the church. And the Jacob/MiB relationship seems to be more indicative of Cain/Abel than Jesus/Satan.

    This isn’t anything new. This has been pretty well established.

    What bothers me about the ending of the series is the lack of closure given to certain plot threads, especially Ben Linus who really gets shafted in my honest opinion. It seemed they were building to something and it simply fizzled out.

    Also, if we are to assume that everyone in the parallel earth that escaped the island are the souls of the dead left on the island, a few characters should have been present in the church who seemingly were not.

    I have no problem with the way it really ended, more with the execution and leaving so many glaring holes in the premise. Unless we’re getting a movie. Which would be a cop out and I’d have to brain JJ Abrams with a rock.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:50 pm

  5. Matt Davila

    He’d do it. Aaaand I might see it.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:54 pm

  6. Rev. Jacob Dodd

    JJ Abrams needs to focus on what we all truly need.

    A Cloverfield/Star Trek crossover.

    May 23, 2010 at 9:55 pm

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