Unilaterally Sarcastic, Dangerously Cheesy

Posts tagged “Megan Fox

Film Review – Transformers : Dark of the Moon

I famously defended Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen when it was released, mainly because I felt that the critics were being too harsh on it. Was it a good movie? Fuck no. Let’s not even try to defend it as being a good movie. The film had exactly two moments in its runtime that worked on any level for me and those were Optimus’ fight in the forest and Shia LaBeouf making fun of the frat-bros with the tight shirts. That was about it. Megan Fox, who was ever so gorgeous in the first one, was given more words and thus made insufferable. This was coupled with the sad fact that she seemingly ruined her face through cosmetic wizardry between the first and second films. The juvenile humor was overbearing and the action scenes were a total clusterfuck. It was like the cinematic equivalent of the Super 8 train wreck; it went on for far too long and there were lots of explosions.

But Michael Bay and company seemed to recognize this. I think they lost sight of what people wanted in a live-action Transformers film and this time around they set out to build it from the ground up to please people who were turned off by the second installment. The juvenile humor that turned many people off isn’t gone, it’s just handled by far better actors. John Malkovich can do whatever the fuck he wants and make it work. That’s in the bible. Throw in a manic Ken Jeong and you’ve got perfection. And you know what, Shia LaBeouf has a manic energy that makes him uniquely likeable. There’s a reason Spielberg latched onto him all those years ago. He really acquits himself well in this installment.

Then there’s the Megan Fox replacement, plucked from the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalog, the lady who Jason Statham gets to throw it in on a regular basis, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Damn does the girl look good in this movie. I mean, Michael Bay knows how to make her look the the epitome of the perfect woman every second she’s on screen. What’s even more surprising is that she handles her character with more believability than Megan Fox ever managed to, and I don’t think this woman had ever attempted to be pretty and speak at the same time before Michael Bay called “action.” I know it was a major point of contention in online discussion whether Michael Bay chose her for her looks alone, but never during the course of the film does she not pull her own weight. Granted she’s not given a whole lot to do, but she doesn’t have the dry line reading that you would expect. Perhaps she just hits the middle ground that is left while everyone else is so busy chewing scenery. Because Malkovich, Turturro, and McDormand leave bite marks with their performances. Don’t let me make you think that’s a negative, because in a film like this everyone needs to go big or go home.

The film is all about going big, but not in the manner that ROTF did. The threat is larger but it’s handled with a much finer touch. The climax of part two was an unmitigated disaster that was essentially too chaotic to understand. At no point in Dark of the Moon do you lose track of who is fighting who. There is little explanation given for why certain characters arrive or who they are aside from casual namedropping, but by the third film in the series you can imagine a lot happens in between the installments and just ride it out. This isn’t high art. It’s a movie about robots fighting robots with humans caught in the middle and the last hour of this film is simply stunning in its magnitude and carnage. It pushes the boundaries of the pg-13 rating with the amount of brutality thrown around. I may sound dramatic when I say that but when these robots get ripped apart there is blood being shed. Literally, I don’t remember that happening in other installments but when characters die here they’re dripping blood and crying in agony. The robot on human violence is abundant if not particularly gory. Michael Bay did a very good job of making the tension of an alien invasion feel very, very real in that last hour of non-stop action.

I must say that major props must be given to the crew for giving the series a sense of closure at the end of this film as well. I will not spoil the major deaths but let’s just say that it would be hard for a fourth film to occur with some major players being taken off the board in a pretty definitive fashion. The script had a sense of determination in that regard that I think comes from a new writing team following Orci & Kurtzman’s exit. There is a definite shift in the handling of character death here from the casual dismissal of Jazz’ fate in the first film, I can say that much.

All in all it’s one of the best tentpole summer releases you could hope for. It has the epic scale that Green Lantern wishes it had achieved and those let down by Revenge of the Fallen will be pleased that a balance has been struck between the first and second films to provide a more balanced and enjoyable Transformers film.

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Film Review – Jonah Hex

Here’s a caveat that I feel needs to be introduced early on into the review before I really get into the meat and potatoes of the critique; I enjoy bad movies. My taste is somewhat questionable because I love stuff that ranges from high art to utter dreck. That having been said, even a bad movie has to have certain things going for it that transcend whatever it is that makes the mainstream reject it in the first place and therefore allow it to meet the criteria of ironic enjoyment. There are unending caches of horror films that are only enjoyable because of their incompetent nature. How many people watch the films of Ed Wood simply because of how shoddy they were? There’s nothing wrong with a good bad movie.

Jonah Hex was never going to be high art. We were lucky enough to get a Batman film that saw itself as a finely crafted film first and a comic adaptation second, that used up all the good will we were gonna get for a long while. The off-kilter characters that don’t have a mainstream following, ie. Jonah Hex, The Spirit, etc. are going to have trouble being taken seriously by anybody but the die-hard fans. The studios don’t understand them, the mainstream audience doesn’t understand them and more often than not, the people working on the film don’t understand them.

With Jonah Hex, we get a film that has production values that frankly seem a bit out of place when it comes to what’s put on screen. The environments and set pieces, when not underlit in times of darkness, are all vibrant and don’t look like cheap shoddily built props. The movie doesn’t look like it was shot by amateurs and so the film looks good. My contention is that it really looks too good.

The story and the broadside anti-subtlety of the actors performing their parts make me feel like they should have shot this thing and made it look like a straight-up spaghetti western in the style of Django or A Fistful of Dollars. I think if the producers of the film had tried to go for more camp they might have picked up more people coming in to see the film. Though most people won’t admit it, everybody enjoys a bad movie now and again. The problem was that everyone went into this film with their serious face on and rather than coming off as fun it tends to seem like a missed opportunity. Josh Brolin brings a lot of gritty charm to Jonah but everyone else, aside from maybe Michael Fassbender, just seem to be going through the motions. Imagine if Malkovich could have really poured on the ham. What if we could have gotten another Con-Air style performance out of him?

Even the supernatural elements wouldn’t have seemed so out of place if the tone of the film hadn’t been so serious. The best thing that could have happened to this movie would have been a direct edict to go over-the-top with no restriction and they really should have kept the previously rumoured “zombie confederate army” plotline that got mentioned so much in the early stages of development. Hex talking to the dead would have made a lot more sense if the central plot of the film revolved around the resurrection of the dead. Instead he has supernatural powers for no real reason and Turnbull wants to blow up Washington with a cannon that shoots Dragon Balls.

I actually enjoyed the movie, I thought it was a pretty middle-of-the road actioner and that Josh Brolin did a damn fine job as Hex.  But it really is a silly little movie that is hampered by it’s reluctance to admit its own ridiculousness. I won’t bother mentioning the plot holes, or the choppy storytelling, or Megan Fox’s accent. Those things are self evident. I’m just saddened that we couldn’t have gotten something unique and special out of Jonah Hex. Instead we get a spiritual cousin to Will Smiths’ Wild Wild West. The tone is almost identical. The “wtf” factor of the villain’s plan is almost identical, and neither of them seemed to care much about catering to the hopes of the original fans.

I won’t say that I hated it, but I won’t admit it wasn’t a dissapointment either.


More Possible Megan Fox Replacements AKA I Have Way Too Much Time To Waste On Google Image Search

Pictured : One Dumb Bitch

Could you imagine being one of the most talked about young starlets of 2007 only to become a joke in the eyes of everyone who has tired of using you as spank-bank material? Let’s face it, nobody ever took Megan Fox seriously as an actress. She had a slamming body and was pretty blunt about her sexuality in any interview she gave. She even had that faux-nerd cred going on by strutting around town wearing Star Wars shirts and claiming to like comic books and whatnot. Yeah, tease the fanboys, make them think you’re one of them. That’ll ensure they’ll pay the $20 you’ll charge at conventions for a photo and an autograph.

But now she’s proven she can’t sell a movie based on sex alone (Jennifer’s Body) and Jonah Hex looks like something the general public will reject on principle and the fanboys will ravage for not honoring the source material. Then the dumb bitch couldn’t keep her mouth shut and now Michael Bay has brought down the hammer of KRAWW!!! upon her ass and kicked her off the Transformers set and plans to cast a new female lead.

I mentioned some choices earlier, but let’s see if we can’t make a complete list here. Granted, this list really is just an excuse for me to troll Google image search looking for sexy pictures of women I would like to do the dirty with. But is that so wrong? I’m sure it’ll gimme mega traffic for the next week, and I am not going to lie and say I don’t want that to happen.

ASHLEY GREENE

Greene got me seein' red...

Okay, so, all I know about this girl is that she leaked some nekkie pics onto the interwebs sometime while she was filming Twilight, a series that she might get cast out of in the final installment because she wants more money, which aint gonna happen. If she does get knocked on her keester, maybe she’ll take a reduced pay cut to get a larger audience by replacing Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Let’s face it, Twilight fans won’t follow the stars to other movies, if they did Remember Me would have made some serious bank and The Runaways would have registered on people’s radar. But that didn’t happen, because Twilight fans are only interested in Twilight. I think it has to do with the fact that such people are easily distracted by shiny objects and then they forget where they are.

Yeah, Twilight fans are retarded raccoons.

There.

I said it.

ANNALYNNE McCORD

ANAL-Lynne?

Her name almost has “anal” in it and she’s so hot it almost effing hurts. I mean seriously, this girl oozes the sexy and I usually don’t go for blondes. I’m more into the sultry brunette look that girls like Ms. Greene above bring to the table, but seriously, this girl is one fine piece of eye candy. Also, see the evidence pictured below:

[insert cream filling joke]

I want to be that doughnut right now.

OLIVIA MUNN

I want to have a case of the Munn-days.

She’s racking up cameo bit parts in movies like Iron Man 2 left and right, and so long as the role doesn’t call for insane acting talent on the par of Dame Judy Dench or Meryl Streep, which in a Transformers movie would be about as unlikely as Geoff Johns passing up an opportunity to brutally kill of a c-list hero in a crossover, Ms. Munn would be a more than adequate replacement for Megan Fox. Personally I think Olivia’s hotter than Megan Fox ever was simply due to the fact that she doesn’t look like she secrets enough grease to supply the fryers at Burger King for a day.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Boot-ee

Admittedly, this is a terrible choice. This woman annoys me just about as much as any other pseudo celebrity making the rounds nowadays, but I just felt like posting a picture of that scrumptious backside.

In short, this girl is the reason God gave us the ballgag.

LADY GAGA

I have no joke for Lady Gaga that hasn't already been made...

Not because I think she’d be a good fit, but because I really want to see Optimus Prime sing “Poker Face.” I think I could die happy after that.

COBIE SMULDERS

I'd Smulder her Cobie...

I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, which apparently she’s a central character on. But I saw The Slammin’ Salmon, and she was just plain gorgeous in that film, and honestly of all the girls on the list, she seems like she has the most legitimate acting chops, as she managed to pull off some great dramatic work in that film while at the same time holding her own with the rapid-fire comedy. She was supposed to be Wonder Woman, for crying out loud. Yeah, she’d do fine.

OLIVIA WILDE

The crowd goes Wilde

Here’s a nother girl who actually has some acting talent. She holds her own with Hugh Laurie on House which is not an easy feat. That man is awesomesauce. Wilde will also see her mainstream star on the rise when Tron Legacy hits the web later this year and we all get to oogle her assets in skintight leather:


Michael Bay to Megan Fox – “GTFO, Bitch!”

Megan FoxAccording to Deadline, Megan Fox will not be returning for the next installment of the Transformers. I guess spending the last year badmouthing Michael Bay and starring in a series of box office flops made it real hard to find a reason to keep her around when you could find any number of equally attractive actresses who would love a chunk of that spotlight without giving the production team half of the grief.

In fact, this article will now simply be pictures of women who I would rather see running around in tight jeans and low cut tops while Robots make explosions in the background and everyone in the theater wonders what the living hell is going on.

Choice # 1 – Alison Brie

Strawberry Fields forever...

In her interview that accompanied the above interview, she talked about her college sex experiences with multiple partners and lady on lady mouth sucking. Which….yeah, let’s just say she’d be more than adequate a replacement for the faux-hypersexualized Fox, who could say the same shit and just come off as dirty, wheras Ms. Brie just seems like she knows what she’s doing. Like some sort of sex doctor.

Also…check out this gif from Community.

Clay Makin

Yeah…you get the idea.

Choice # 2 – Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Mary Marvel...

Also soon to be known as EVERYBODY’S secret crush after Scott Pilgrim hits theaters in August. I’ve had a thing for her since I saw her in Live Free or Die Hard playing Bruce Willis’ daughter. And then in that cheerleader outfit from Grindhouse.

I'm cheering right now...

Yeah, Quentin Tarantino f##king gets me.

CHOICE # 3 – A Giant Clump of Dirt

[INSERT LYRICS TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA'S SMASH HIT "DIRTTY"]

Still cleaner than Megan Fox, and judging by Jennifer’s Body and the trailer for Jonah Hex, probably more talented in the acting department as well. Though I’ve yet to see the dirt’s screen test, so I won’t make any definitive statements…