Could you imagine being one of the most talked about young starlets of 2007 only to become a joke in the eyes of everyone who has tired of using you as spank-bank material? Let’s face it, nobody ever took Megan Fox seriously as an actress. She had a slamming body and was pretty blunt about her sexuality in any interview she gave. She even had that faux-nerd cred going on by strutting around town wearing Star Wars shirts and claiming to like comic books and whatnot. Yeah, tease the fanboys, make them think you’re one of them. That’ll ensure they’ll pay the $20 you’ll charge at conventions for a photo and an autograph.
But now she’s proven she can’t sell a movie based on sex alone (Jennifer’s Body) and Jonah Hex looks like something the general public will reject on principle and the fanboys will ravage for not honoring the source material. Then the dumb bitch couldn’t keep her mouth shut and now Michael Bay has brought down the hammer of KRAWW!!! upon her ass and kicked her off the Transformers set and plans to cast a new female lead.
I mentioned some choices earlier, but let’s see if we can’t make a complete list here. Granted, this list really is just an excuse for me to troll Google image search looking for sexy pictures of women I would like to do the dirty with. But is that so wrong? I’m sure it’ll gimme mega traffic for the next week, and I am not going to lie and say I don’t want that to happen.
Okay, so, all I know about this girl is that she leaked some nekkie pics onto the interwebs sometime while she was filming Twilight, a series that she might get cast out of in the final installment because she wants more money, which aint gonna happen. If she does get knocked on her keester, maybe she’ll take a reduced pay cut to get a larger audience by replacing Megan Fox in Transformers 3. Let’s face it, Twilight fans won’t follow the stars to other movies, if they did Remember Me would have made some serious bank and The Runaways would have registered on people’s radar. But that didn’t happen, because Twilight fans are only interested in Twilight. I think it has to do with the fact that such people are easily distracted by shiny objects and then they forget where they are.
Yeah, Twilight fans are retarded raccoons.
I said it.
Her name almost has “anal” in it and she’s so hot it almost effing hurts. I mean seriously, this girl oozes the sexy and I usually don’t go for blondes. I’m more into the sultry brunette look that girls like Ms. Greene above bring to the table, but seriously, this girl is one fine piece of eye candy. Also, see the evidence pictured below:
I want to be that doughnut right now.
She’s racking up cameo bit parts in movies like Iron Man 2 left and right, and so long as the role doesn’t call for insane acting talent on the par of Dame Judy Dench or Meryl Streep, which in a Transformers movie would be about as unlikely as Geoff Johns passing up an opportunity to brutally kill of a c-list hero in a crossover, Ms. Munn would be a more than adequate replacement for Megan Fox. Personally I think Olivia’s hotter than Megan Fox ever was simply due to the fact that she doesn’t look like she secrets enough grease to supply the fryers at Burger King for a day.
Admittedly, this is a terrible choice. This woman annoys me just about as much as any other pseudo celebrity making the rounds nowadays, but I just felt like posting a picture of that scrumptious backside.
In short, this girl is the reason God gave us the ballgag.
Not because I think she’d be a good fit, but because I really want to see Optimus Prime sing “Poker Face.” I think I could die happy after that.
I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, which apparently she’s a central character on. But I saw The Slammin’ Salmon, and she was just plain gorgeous in that film, and honestly of all the girls on the list, she seems like she has the most legitimate acting chops, as she managed to pull off some great dramatic work in that film while at the same time holding her own with the rapid-fire comedy. She was supposed to be Wonder Woman, for crying out loud. Yeah, she’d do fine.
Here’s a nother girl who actually has some acting talent. She holds her own with Hugh Laurie on House which is not an easy feat. That man is awesomesauce. Wilde will also see her mainstream star on the rise when Tron Legacy hits the web later this year and we all get to oogle her assets in skintight leather:
This was not a huge week as far as comic books go. Thank god, because my wallet needed a break after the companies seemingly unleashed every major title in their arsenal on me last week, a volley I was not prepared with and was nearly washed away by. This week however, we got a different sort of approach. A few books came out that I was downright looking forward to, and some new titles launched that I was able to pick up because the rest of the week was so slim. Touche marketing department, touche.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #630 2.99
ASTONISHING SPIDER-MAN WOLVERINE #1 3.99
BATMAN AND ROBIN #12 2.99
BOYS #42 (MR) 2.99
BRIGHTEST DAY #1 2.99
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER #35 TWILIGHT PT 4 (OF 4) 2.99
IZOMBIE #1 (MR) 1.00
JSA ALL STARS #6 3.99
MANY LOVES OF AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #1 3.99
RED ROBIN #12 2.99
SAVAGE SWORD OF CONAN TP VOL 07 (C: 0-1-2) 19.99
SECRET SIX #21 2.99
SUPERMAN WAR OF THE SUPERMEN #1 (OF 4) 2.99
UNCANNY X-MEN #524 XSC 2.99
WALKING DEAD HC VOL 05 (C: 0-1-2) 34.99
It took a lot of willpower not to throw aside this week’s books and just read Walking Dead, as I’ve been waiting for that book since…well, for-fucking-ever. But you people need to know what I thought about Brightest Day, so I have restrained myself.
I love Jason Aaron. I think he’s one of the fresher talents that Marvel has and I love that he’s getting more exposure. I think that he’s doing better work with the Punisher than Garth Ennis did in the last years of his run. If he can make the Punisher seem fresh, he might be some sort of genius. So obviously I was going to pick up this issue. In all honesty, the first issue is a slow burn that slightly turned me off of picking up the subsequent issues. In a six issue miniseries, decompression can be a killer and this issue is fairly decompressed. There is great effort taken to establish the world that these two characters now occupy, a world at the dawn of time with giant spiders and neanderthals who think Wolverine is their god. The narration by Parker and Logan is very much in line with the characters but it seems very roundabout at times.
If there is one saving grace for this book it is that the final page begs the reader to return for issue two. Jason Aaron realizes that the previous content of the book was indeed a very slow, methodical setup for a killer finale and the reader can’t help but jump on board. Unless they just don’t like comics that rock harder than Judas Priest on a Wednesday.
I didn’t like Brightest Day # . This is well documented. I think that’s because Aquaman didn’t summon an undead Kraken to kill pedophile pirates in that particular issue. Yes, you just read that sentence. Geoff Johns is turning into some sort of mad scientist with a pen. I would love to see him write a Lex Luthor mini-seri at this point, because I’m pretty damn sure that Johns is bordering on that level of insane right about now. I’m pretty sure the pressure of his time at DC has melted his brain down to the point that he watched the scene from Megashark vs. Giant Octopus where the shark jumps out of the water and chowed down on a flying airplane and thought “What if that shark was a zombie and the plane were a person?”
Geoff Johns is my hero, for all the wrong reasons.
Vertigo really knows how to sell a book. The dollar intro issues are just the sort of thing that Marvel and DC proper should be doing with their series. I might have passed on this series if it had started out with a higher cost on the cover. In fact, since the dollar intro series has started, I think I’ve picked up all of them. Joe the Barbarian, Unwritten, etc., I picked them all up because for such a price it’d be stupid to pass up what could be an amazing series.
iZombie could be one of those amazing series. It’s an interesting premise, as allVertigo books are, with the all the style that Mike Allred’s art style can provide. I spent much of the issue trying to second guess the narrative in finding out what the crux of the story was really about. When the reveal finally comes, the simplicity of it sort of smacks you in the face. The multiple genre crossing looks like it could make it a classic, and I’m going to give at least the first arc a full read.
This issue featured some great character moments. Especially from Wolverine. When was the last time we got some great character development out of Wolverine? Anyhow, the issue was essentially a breather issue. Where the action beats slow down long enough for the reader to catch his breath before they head into the final confrontation with Bastion and his minions. It’s obvious that this issue was basically a buffer; one where everything basically moves in slow motion. This issue was perfectly timed and really helped to drive home the importance of the crossover on both a small scale in how it affects the characters personally, in addition to the changes it will bring to the mutant community on a universal level for the months to come.
*Note: this post will be edited to include a review of War of the Supermen # 1 when I locate my copy. I think I may have left it at the shop. I have the dumb.
I actually arrived home from work yesterday to find a box full of manga on my front porch, which I really wish I could have read but I’m saving those little gems until after I’ve finished this week’s American output, which is what I’m primarily focused on reviewing here. I doubt there are many of you who read this blog who really give a damn about what commentary I could provide for Battle Vixens. I mean, it’s all panty shots and using fist-fights as an analog for sex, do you really need me to tell you to read it? I sure hope not.
AME COMI BATMAN VINYL STATUE 70
AME COMI ROBIN VINYL FIGURE 60
AREA 10 HC (MR) 19.99
BATMAN AND ROBIN #11 2.99
BOYS #41 (MR) 2.99
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER #34 TWILIGHT PT 3 (OF 5) 2.99
DEADPOOL AND CABLE #25 3.99
DEADPOOL CORPS #1 3.99
INVINCIBLE RETURNS #1 3.99
JSA ALL STARS #5 3.99
RED ROBIN #11 2.99
SECRET SIX DEPTHS TP 14.99
SHIELD #1 (MARVEL) 3.99
SUPERMAN LAST STAND OF NEW KRYPTON #2 (OF 3) 3.99
SUPERMAN SECRET ORIGIN #5 (OF 6) (RES) 3.99
TURF #1 (MR) 2.99
UNCANNY X-MEN #523 XSC 2.99
WOLVERINE WEAPON X #12 3.99
WORLD WAR HULKS #1 WWHS 3.99
And here’s how that shit went down:
I’ll probably catch a lot of hell for this, but I don’t read Invincible on a monthly basis. I get the trades, and I’m admittedly even a bit behind on those, being a cheap bastard and picking them up only through deep discount sales and whatnot. This comes after I bought 4,5,7, and 8 at 1/2 price and then filled in the gaps through Amazon and local clearance bins. I still haven’t read anything after volume 10, so I missed the whole “Conquest” storyline that this mini-series seems to come out of. Luckily, the book fills in the blanks well enough that even with my barely involved knowlege of the story’s progression I was able to understand what had happened in the gap where my reading had ended and the new story began. That isn’t really that amazing a feat, I mean, in reality that should be something that is a given, but luckily it’s done in a way that I feel like when I do pick up my next trade, I won’t feel like the story was spoiled for me.
Basically, Invincible Returns works as a GREAT jumping on point for new readers. Yes, there is a lot of backstory to take in, but it’s weaved into the book through character moments that help new readers get to know the cast. Truly, Invincible Returns is a damned fine read for die-hards as well as the new folks who are looking to try out the character.
One thing I want to comment on is how amazing Ryan Ottley’s art has become over the years. Looking at the first trade of Invincible and comparing it to the art of Invincible Returns, the characters still have the same style and look, but the definition is improved a great deal. Ottley’s art is truly underappreciated. His style is a huge part of what makes the book so amazing, and this single issue is a GREAT showcase for his talent. The backup work by Cory Walker is damned fine as well. I admit his style is just a few degrees off Ottley and so at first parts of it just seemed…different. But still, he nailed the look and did an admirable job.
I fucking hate Jon Hickman. That guy is just too damned good. When Marvel finally caves in and lets this guy write a tentpole event for their entire company, you better hold on to your goddamn balls because he’s going to rock them off in ways you couldn’t imagine while mind-fucking your cerebral cortex at the same damned time. He’s currently writing the best Fantastic Four stories since Mark Waid and Wieringo left and he brings that same sense of otherworldly creativity to SHIELD, a book that sees Leonardo DaVinci creating a renaissance space-suit with wings and flying off into the cosmos.
This book is going to be one to watch. It might just be too good for the general comic-book fanboy crowd. It’s inevitably going to be called pretentious and slammed for overactive retconning, all the while ignoring how goddamn brilliant it is. This book is like touching Jesus’ beard; surreal and enlightening. Comic books were created for shit like this to exist.
I dunno. This single issue was so damned dense that I think it’ll take another few reads to fully understand what’s going on. I mean, obviously it’s set in the prohibition era and there’s a gang full of vampires who are trying to take over the other gangs’ turf but some of them want to remain faithful to their old-country traditions of vampirism. And there’s alien spaceships for some reason. I’m not entirely sure where this is all going to lead, I just know I’m down for it, because, let’s face it, anybody willing to go this far out there in order to tell the story is worth giving the benefit of the doubt.
The only complaint I have is that this book is CROWDED with text. This compounds the already muddy art in making the issue slightly hard to read simply on an aesthetic level. The interesting story makes up for it, but I won’t lie, it did give me a little bit of a headache to read. Maybe when I revisit the issue, knowing what to expect will lessen the blow. Then again, you might not have this problem at all.
You know, when the talent pool writing the color spectrum of Hulks doesn’t include Jeph Loeb, the absurdity of the concept seems to be diminished by the fact that the characters are written with a modicum of subtlety, thus creating an enjoyable story. Jeff Parker, who is probably best known for somehow making Agents of Atlas so damned amazing, writes some great stuff here for A-Bomb, who up until this point has a generic walking ball of who-gives-a-fuck. He also writes a pretty good little Deadpool segment, featuring Bob aka everyone’s favorite agent of Hydra.
The rest of the book is just as well done. We get some good development for Talbot, who with all the focus they’re giving lately seems to be a front runner for the inner identity of Rulk. The talent assembled on the book really runs with the mediocre material they’ve been handed thus far. Kudos to everyone involved there.
So that’s it for this week. If you’ll excuse me I’ve gotta read some really filthy manga. Until next time…
Ah hell, it’s that time again. Where I sit down and type out a bunch of snarky retorts to the weekly comic offerings I put money down for on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, a bulk of the week’s pull was in trade form and I can’t write up a timely review of collected stories so this column might be on the slim side this week. I’ll try to make for it in repetitive ramblings throughout the reviews.
The Pull List:
BLACKEST NIGHT WONDER WOMAN #3 (OF 3) 2.99
BOYS #39 2.99
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER #32 TWILIGHT PT 1 (OF 5) 2.99
CINDERELLA FROM FABLETOWN WITH LOVE #4 (OF 6) 2.99
CONAN THE CIMMERIAN #18 2.99
CRIMINAL SINNERS #4 (MR) 3.5
DARK TOWER FALL OF GILEAD PREM HC 24.99
DEADPOOL TEAM-UP #896 2.99
FABLES TP VOL 13 THE GREAT FABLES CROSSOVER (MR) 17.99
GI JOE ORIGINS #12 3.99
INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #23 2.99
JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA ANNUAL #2 4.99
QUESTION #37 (BLACKEST NIGHT) 2.99
RED ROBIN #9 2.99
SIEGE #2 (OF 4) 3.99
SUPERMAN WORLD OF NEW KRYPTON #12 (OF 12) 2.99
WOLVERINE WEAPON X #10 3.99
The Boys # 39
Not a whole lot goes on here, traditionally speaking. There are maybe three plot movements in the entirety of the book, but this single issue does a great deal to set up the next major arc of the overal narrative because Butcher FINALLY finds out about Hughie banging a supe.
A great deal of the drama thus far has been the reader wondering what will happen when the Boys find out about who exactly Hughie is giving the high hard one to on a nightly basis, given that she’s a part of the group they are ACTIVELY seeking to bring down. And at this point in the issue we get a window into what is going to be coming down the pipe. Butcher reacts not with anger or a sense of betrayal but with a disappointment that he hadn’t been able to figure it out before this very moment. It’s a quiet moment that tells us even more about Butcher as a character. How will he handle the fallout? That remains to be seen. But reading the issue you can tell that Ennis put a great deal of thought into how he was going to handle this moment.
The majority of the issue is spent with Hughie and his girl Annie, exploring the boundaries of their relationship (“LET’S PURCHASE OUR HARDCORE PORN!!!”) and showing what kind of growth their coupling has forced upon them both fundimentally as characters. There is some hint that perhaps being in a relationship with Hughie has changed her in ways that might be driving a gap between them, just in the differences between what the need as far as intimacy and mutual interests. It could be read that Hughie feels a twinge of responsibility for Annie’s sudden personality shift. But, that’s just speculation on my part.
A great many people like to dump on Garth Ennis because his writing veers toward ultraviolence and sophmoric humor, but the man does character moments just as good as any other major writer, and better than some I could mention. The book also has the expressive art of Darick Robertson working in its favor.
I think I’m getting burnt out on Deadpool. And gee, with around six regular series and eighty appearances a month, who would have thought that would happen? This particular issue suffers from the same problems I mentioned in my review of Merc with a Mouth # 7, in that the humor is entirely forced and derivitive. It doesn’t have the voice of Deadpool, that casual zaniness that seems to compliment the character so well. Instead we get cheap trucker jokes and some talking raccoons. Sorry to say, while that would normally have me giddy in my seat, this one just seems to fall flat.
Two things made me pick up this issue; Marc Andreyko’s name in the credit list and that awesome cover. I have to admit that interior artist Ben Templesmith’s art styling is not my cup of tea, the issue itself is a pretty good standalone Baroness tale that gives us the new-canon origin of the character and a glimpse into what molded her morals and values before becoming the character as we’ve come to know her.
The issue hits all the right notes, and while the story is nothing we haven’t seen before, it’s a change of pace from where the book has gone previously and I felt I got my money’s worth out of it. Also, nice cover.
Okay, here’s the one people have been talking about. And it’s impossible to review without major spoilers so just turn back now if you don’t want to know who died and how and what I feel about it.
Okay, let’s go.
So Sentry rips Ares right in half. Yep, it’s Ares who was the “big death” Bendis was hyping. And while the fight leading up to it was pretty cool, it’s not all that impressive considering how many people we’ve seen ripped in half over the years, partiularly in Bendis-penned comics(Vision and Carnage, anyone?). Remember in my review of KICKASS where I said that Millar was the best hype man in the game? Bendis is kind of the opposite. Whereas we believe Millar every damned time despite the fact that we’ve been fooled by him before, everytime Bendis says something will be shocking or unexpected, we know that it’s just going to be one of his old tricks. At least this time he didn’t claim that the event would “rip the internet in half.”
Guys, is that Ares death supposed to be some kind of wink-wink joke? FUCK YOU BENDIS YOU SELF-CONSCIOUS WHORE!!!
That’s it for this week. I’m going to go punch a wall and calm down. *deep breath*
I kicked the blog off with a rundown of 2009’s best storyarcs, an entry that was hard as hell to write because honestly there were tons of good books last year and while I wanted to showcase only a chosen few, I didn’t want to leave out anything that needed to be showcased. On the other side of the coin, we have today’s entry, a look at 2009’s most abysmal outings. My criteria for this list is not quite as exclusive as the “best of” list, because sometimes you don’t need a story to be finished to realize it’s a piece of shit. Usually if it’s three issues in and you’d still rather pluck out your own pubic hairs with a rusty pair of tweezers, it won’t change by the end of the arc.
So here we go!
It started in ’08 but it ran through the first chunk of ’09 and as far as I can tell, I swear to God, Jeph Loeb is a sleeper agent, placed in the Marvel offices by DC to destroy their publishing lineup from the inside. It’s like a retarded 24 plot played out in slow motion so every mind-numbing detail can be drawn in until the mind can’t handle it anymore.
I’m not going to go after the book for being dumb. I mean, it’s an event book and nobody can make an event book NOT dumb. (I’m looking at you Geoff Johns.) My main problem with the book is that it is so sloppily written, and so disjointed that as a reader you sometimes don’t even know how bad it truly is until you go back and re-read the pages over again trying to figure out exactly what the hell you missed that led you to be so confused.
Also, the Blob eats the Wasp. That’s just wrong.
I’m probably gonna catch flak for this one but people, this shit was sub-par and the publishing delays only made it worse. The fact that the “epic conclusion” was a veritible anti-climactic letdown is all you really need to look at in order to see what a throwaway piece of tripe this storyline really is. Aside from some nice art, this whole thing was a wash, no matter what the sales say. People buy dumb shit all the time. Don’t believe me? Go talk to the guy who invented the “Snuggee.”
The truly sad thing is, everybody ate this thing up like it was the best thing since sliced bread when Jason Aaron’s excellent Weapon X book doesn’t get nearly the credit it deserves. That book utilizes the continuity of Wolverine without being confusing, moves at a breakneck pace and is worth every penny while still managing to come out on a monthly basis. Old Man Logan was an uninspired and unoriginal idea that people went nuts over for a reason that eludes me entirely.
Let’s take everything that drove me away from comics in the 90’s and put it in a single book. That’ll work right? *facepalm*
I would say that my hatred of the Twilight phenomenon is completely rational. After all, how any sane person would look at the success of such a lazy and contrived series and still manage to think that our society hasn’t sunk into an irrepairable cavern of stupidity that is only 15 degrees off “Idiocracy” is completely beyond me. The fact that someone decided it would be a good idea to publish a comic book biography of the woman responsible for this crime against humanity simply edges me toward clawing my own brain out with an olive fork.
The fact that the book exists is enough to qualify it on sheer “WTF-factor” alone, but the book having art so bad that it borders on the laughable earns it a legitimate spot on the list. Not to mention that Stephanie Meyer is essentially the most boring person this side of John Kerry and thus the book itself is nothing short of a chore to read even if you never look at the art.
Comics Alliance basically said everything I ever could in the review they posted back when the book was released on shelves. The only difference is they still have the energy to mock the book whereas I can only shake my head and try not to vomit.
This should have been excellent, but then I remembered that Chris Claremont hasn’t written anything of any quality since the 80’s and by then it was too late. I had already added the book to my pull and was damned to read what may be one of the most effortlessly tired books in the Marvel publishing line.
The problem with the book is that it wants us to get all nostalgic for the days of Claremont and Byrne but the Claremont we all fell in love with is gone and what remains is a madman who is following up on his own work in such a manner that it’s hard to tell that the same person who wrote all those classic stories is able to give us such a winded and uninteresting take on the X-Men.
This one takes the coveted biggest disappointment award for 2009. Such a tragedy.
Like X-Men Forever, this one makes the list out of disappointment. Larry Hama writing a GI Joe origin story from scratch? Yes please! Wait… What the hell is going on here? What am I reading? MAKE IT STOP! WHY LARRY?!?! WHY?!?!
Yes, the former master of the Joes has turned in one of the sloppiest and mind-boggling Joe stories of all time. Considering that Hama is the man who made GI Joe what it is today, for him to do such a disservice to the franchise by delivering such a bland and cliche outing in the Origins book, it’s like watching your childhood hero bang a tranny hooker on the hood of your car. You’re willing to put up with a lot, given that he’s your hero and all, but this is JUST. GOING. TOO. FAR!
And there are others; Green Arrow/Black Canary continued the downward spiral for both characters, Superman didn’t even have Superman and seemed like the title had died but continued on only out of habit, Justice League of America languished in mediocrity, and there are others that fit the bill just as badly. The above are the ones that really stand out as the losers of ’09.